Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Long distance relationships.....

For those of you who know both myself and my beautiful girlfriend Kat it is not new that we have been seeing each other (if you can call it that) for almost 2 years now, our anniversary is in April, but we have been in correspondence since October / November 2006. It all started on the internet, we had both uploaded our profile to a site called Filipina Heart and if memory serves me correctly, she contacted me (the hussy!!!).
After several e-mails and chats using Yahoo Messenger and the very occasional phone call we arranged to get together when I was next on vacation in the spring of 2006. The good news was that we clicked almost immediately, it was only nerves that slowed us down, but after the first kiss I think we both knew that there was something worth building on here.
To cut a long story short, we decided to make a go of it and committed to each other that this was to be an exclusive relationship, i.e. we were to be boyfriend and girlfriend. After 3 weeks together I returned to the UK, leaving Kat behind in The Philippines, and both of us in tears. And so began our long distance relationship and I would like to make some comments about how it is affecting me, some of this may well get me shot, but honesty is always the best policy, this is how it is.
Being 7000 miles away from a woman I am in love with has been really hard in some ways and remarkably easy in others, in no particular order (just as I thought of them) here are my thoughts :-
  • I really miss being with her, we hold hands, kiss, laugh and cry and do all the same stuff other couples do when we are together, not being able to is really hard.
  • I wouldn't be with out her, I can no longer see my life as complete without her in it, even if we have to endure this enforced separation for a couple of years longer.
  • Although we have known each other for almost 30 months, we have only really spent less than 6 weeks together, so how well do we actually know each other? I guess there is still a long way to go on that one, which is something I am looking forward to.
  • We only get to share stuff occasionally, complicated by the time zone issue (she is currently 8 hours ahead) and also the fact that she works long shifts, so we cannot guarantee a time to talk or Skype.
  • We are still living largely independent lives, now whilst this might sound great to the commitment phobic out there, it rather defeats the object of being a couple if nothing changes regarding living arrangements.
  • Selfishly, I can still do what I want when I want (and I suppose she can too) for the same reason as above, this sounds great but it is actually a little sad and I really want to be in a situation where we do things together, there is no sharing of experiences.
  • I have only met some of her family, luckily those I have met seem to like me, but there is a whole bunch out there as well as her friends that I have yet to meet. Additionally Kat has not met in person any of my family or friends, especially my Dad.
  • I suppose that being apart means that when we do talk, we have a lot to talk about, not just the weather and how our day has been, but this also means that much of our lives are relative mysteries to each other.
  • I cannot be there to support her when she needs it, the job Kat has means that sometimes she has a hard day when a patient doesn't make it and her patients are largely young children, that has to be really hard, I so want to be able to be there for her.
  • We have so much to plan for the future and to be honest most of it is only really going to work if we can do it when we are together, since discussing some of it over the phone is never going to be successful.
  • I have no firm idea when we are going to be together, or where; my best estimate at the moment is sometime after 2010 once Kat has become a paediatric consultant and hopefully over there as I know for a fact that she wont like living in the UK as it is too cold for most of the year!!!
There is probably one upside although as you will see there is also an associated significant downside, when we get back together the reunion is absolutely amazing, sadly we only get to do that so infrequently!!

Would I recommend it to others, I don't think so as it requires a very strong relationship to make it work with an intense desire to be together in the end. I think it helps that I am already thinking about leaving the UK to go and work and live in The Philippines and everything we do now is a step closer to that. I passionately believe that if you find the right person, you do what it takes to be together.

OK I am going to post this and see what the reaction is, I expect some comments!!

2 comments:

  1. My Dearest Gary:

    I wanted to send you the same message I sent to my lovely cousin about long distance relationships.

    ***

    My Dearest cousin-

    I am going you tell you a story about how your Kuya Ron and I came to be where we are now. Understand that I am not here to tear apart your hopes and dreams. Or make your relationship less than mine. I only want to stroke the fire that is already within the hearts of both you and Gary.

    I was 30 years old at the time; I was ending a bad relationship to concentrate on one that had more meaning. That was a relationship with myself. This person made me believe that his dreams were more important than mine. I was becoming bitter, angry and destructive. I was becoming a person that my family didn’t recognize. I basically lost myself.

    I then met your Kuya Ron. The details of that first initial contact will be left for another time. There was loud music, half drunk person and a dance pole, but we can talk about that later. It was about 2 weeks into the New Year. My New Year’s Resolution was to swear off men. COMPLETELY!! As I said, I was ending a relationship (a divorce to be exact) and not interested in getting involved in a new one. (Sometimes, you have to watch what you wish for.)

    Ron was everything that the other was not. Not just that one; my other relationship(s) paled in comparison to what Ron was offering.

    1. He was passionate, as well as compassionate. About life. About family. About friends. About animals.
    2. He would make me laugh.
    3. He was understanding.
    4. He would put my needs in front of his.
    5. He would be the first to stand up and defend me from people who would want to attack me. Whether it was verbally, emotionally or physically.
    6. He was a thinker and a innovator
    7. He was interested in meeting my friends and family as he was in me meeting his.
    8. He would concentrate on us than what on the TV or on the computer.
    9. He was my cheerleader, when I need an extra push.
    10. He would rock to classic rock-n-roll or oldies, then the next listen to classical music.
    11. He was entertaining.
    12. We would have long talks about anything and everything.
    13. He lived his life not on expectations, but on hope.
    14. He was patient. Which came in handy when I would have meltdowns during our first year together.

    On my birthday that same year, he had found out that he was deploying to Iraq sometime in March/April timeframe. That was just a month away. We discussed marriage, but nothing definite. Especially, when my divorce would not be final until after he left for Iraq. After that, whenever we talked about our relationship and the path it was or hoping to lead to. It was spoken with the intentions of hopes and dreams.
    We only knew each other for about 2 months by the time he left. Who knew how we would feel about each other after 12 to 15 months apart from each other? We corresponded by mail, phone calls, emails and through Yahoo messaging.

    I could have easily walked away from him during that time apart. I was divorced. My job was taking off. I was working out and going out with friends to the club. For once in my life I was having fun. Yet, it was meaningless without Ron. He too, could have easily ended our relationship. He was in a war zone. His friends who were in the same boat of early romance did not endure as well as we had. He had some reservations about bringing me back into the military way of life. Not just as a dependant but as a spouse. Since being a spouse, especially during times of war, is not any easy task. Which I commend my Mother for the 21 years of service she endured as Dad did his duty.

    We barely knew each other. We didn’t know what ticked each other off. We never had any arguments, so we didn’t know how the other would respond. We had in our own respective ways been independent for so long. With the situation he was in, we both didn’t know if he would make it home alive. Or come home in the same mind frame as it was before he left. As you know, war does things to people. Concerning what they see and experience, it can be traumatizing.

    Yet, through it all we made it through over a year apart. How? With hopes and dreams. Which is very same thing that you and Gary have for each other and your future together. Also, it doesn’t matter who leaves one’s career or family to be with the other. Those are not sacrifices, but testimonials of one’s love for each other.

    I know you miss waking up in the morning and seeing the love of your life next to you. I know you miss holding out your hand for the perfect match in his. I know you miss the soft and/or passionate kisses that awaken the most vibrant part of your soul. I know you miss the strong arms that would never let your fall. I know you miss sense of belonging and completion when one meets one’s soul mate. I know you want to scream from missing him so. But as long as you have hopes and dreams…..

    Kuya Ron and I will be celebrating our 5th year Anniversary this July. We’ve been together over 6 years, but only been with each other about 4 of those years. In the next 8 years of his career, he will be gone through some of those. He will miss anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, his child’s defeats as well as victories and he will miss us.

    However, with hopes and dreams…you will be together once more. During that time apart, you will grow. Not apart, but stronger because you compliment each other. You will continue to love with your hearts, your heads and with your whole being. You will tackle what comes before you to be together. Since your love for each other is stronger than the distance that’s between you both.

    So, please don’t be discouraged. Just keep your hopes and dreams alive.

    With the greatest love and affection,
    Ate Che

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  2. Ate Che,
    I just re-read your post as I was about to write a new one myself as I start to settle into my new life. The story you tell is as inspiring to me now as it was the first time I read it, and I am glad that Kat and I managed to pull through the separation and are now embarking on the get to know you phase as we prepare for the impending wedding.
    I am very much looking forward to meeting up with you all (now you have 3 kids, not just the one) some time soon. Thanks for the encouragement and the kind words.

    Love

    Gary xx

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